Once upon a time, I would gaze longingly at the beautiful family portraits on the Christmas/holiday cards we'd receive and dream of a day when I would have a family of my own. We'd happily pose for as long as it took to get the "perfect" picture, and we'd relish the excitement of wearing matching, or at least coordinating, outfits. Sometimes I'd imagine a classic picture of mom and dad holding their munchkins' hands while strolling down the beach at sunset. Other times I imagined us decked out in red and green, posing with Santa who had a gorgeous rosy cheeked toddler on each lap, smiling serenely for the camera. Or, maybe a quirky photo of us decorating the tree with flocked pine cones and sparkly bows...
Yeah. Right.
Any picture involving a beach would involve sand being flung at a sibling, who was howling with indignity because I wouldn't let them feed the entire bag of Doritos to he seagulls. There would be no matching outfits, just faded bathing suits with chocolate stains from the icecream truck and a little pouches of sand where the sun don't shine. We'd all be sunburned, and our hair would make us look like gorgons. Not to mention there's no way in hell you'd get me to pose on the beach in my bathing suit, or any other suit, until I've spent at least 3 solid years with a personal trainer and a photographer highly trained in Photoshop.
As for a picture with the fat man in red? My kids have been scared to death of him since they were born. I mean, really--you're forcing your small child to sit in the fuzzy lap of a complete stranger who offers them candy and asks them about their deepest desires. Frankly, it sounds more like an afternoon special on stranger danger... Last year was the first time I got my kids to even mutter a word to Santa, and then they forgot what they wanted to ask him for anyway. As for the matching outfits? Nope. It was freezing cold out at the National Christmas Tree, and my bunnies were dressed in dirty Lands End parkas (from laying on the ground by the Yule Log to get warm) and their hair had a serious case of static cling. Santa was probably thinking he needed to deliver some Tide and a comb to our house, more than candy or toys...
Ahhhhh--and that leaves the Christmas tree. Good luck getting clean clothes on the kids and forcing them to smile at the camera when there are packages to be shaken, Christmas ornaments to rearrange and/or break, and electric cords to trip over. And that's not even taking into account that the Wild Man just wants to hide under the darn thing. He spends most of December with his feet sticking out of the bottom of the tree, staring up into the lights from the inside of the branches. He looks like a deranged Wicked Witch of the East before her ruby slippers disappear under Dorothy's house....
And the matching clothes in any of these pictures?
Nope. Not a matching set. Ever. Wild Man prefers cammo at the moment, and the DQ only wears things that sparkle at 100 yards and has the word "Justice" printed somewhere. I'm just happy if any shirt I'm wearing doesn't have a boob stain on it, which leaves only MacGyver looking "normal".
So, after all these years, I've given up on ever having a "traditional" family picture on the front of our Christmas cards. Even if I could afford matching Hanna Andersen outfits for all of us, we'd look uncomfortable and our smiles would look forced. When I see these types of pictures now, I wonder how many glasses of wine the mom had before the photoshoot, and if dad threw a fit when he saw the red and green plaid sweater he was being forced to wear (and the bill for it too!). I can almost hear the screams of indignation that the little boys made when they were told to take off their favorite Transformers sweatshirt and put on the itchy turtleneck and the sweater with snowflakes and reindeer on it. And the dramatic sighs of the tweenie girl being bribed into wearing a "baby" dress with no freaking rhinestones or sequins on it for a card that "all her friends are going to see and think I look dumb". Really? Is this what Christmas pictures are all about?
So, our cards are usually a spontaneous shot taken between poses. Someone's head may be thrown back in laughter because someone made a fart joke to get a smile for the camera. I'm usually holding WMB in a partial strangle-hold to get him to stay still for the shot, and trying to keep my eyes open for the flash. And DQ will have smuggled in something sparkly for some glamour.
But, at least it's real. Maybe those pictures other families frolicking in the surf in matching chinos and white shirts are real for them--but, I doubt it. Maybe other families happily don matching outfits while decorating their Frasier fir, but not us. As I look back on our Christmas cards of years past, I smile and remember all the bunny ears and jokes and rude noises that produced those smiles. I recall how much my kids loved their favorite outfits that made them feel beautiful, even if they color clashed. And I know that our friends and family know that those cards represent who we really are--a wee bit off, and having a whole lot of fun!
