Garanimals for GrownUps

I stand here in my closet, and utter the words "I have nothing to wear!!"

Yes, I know saying that is a total cliche--but, in my line of "work" (opening Capri-Suns and wiping up spills), most of my existing clothes have stains and/or holes in them.  I'm not kidding.  Last week I walked around feeling a cute and feminine in my flirty Talbot's skirt and Ann Taylor Loft t-shirt, only to find out I was walking around the whole school--and most of Annapolis--in a shirt that had a hole in the "tummy" and two huge, crunchy pit stains.  And the skirt?  Apparently I must have sat in an oil stain.  Not canola or olive or peanut.  Oh, no!  Those would be clear.  I sat in dirty car oil.  Probably at the tire place I went to when my dad calmly explained to me that generally people replace their tires when they're cracked and completely bald.

Really--I was having a fashion crisis, and he brings up tires?!  Where's his sense of priorities?!

Now, I'd like to claim that this was a "one time event."  But--ahem--it's not.

Barely a month ago, I was at the local park with my "village" when a lovely and amazing 12 year old girl came up to me and told me I had a hole in my jacket.  My favorite jacket.  My melon colored "mom coat" I wore everywhere because it covered all the lumps and bumps of my life, and was a bright and cheery color.

Anyhow--I took off my coat to look.  The coat I have been wearing around FOR YEARS.

There was a 6 inch rip in the shoulder--as in, the arm was almost completely separate from the coat and hanging on by fuzz and a few random stitches.  And, there were enough dirt stains on said fuzz to let me know that this was definitely not a recent hole.

That's when I noticed the holes (yes, plural) in my shirt.  The shirt I wore around at school, and grocery shopping, and errands.  Holes what were in an "inconvenient place."  And, let's not forget the "boob stain" of unknown origin.

You would think by now I would be used to "wardrobe malfunctions".  I mean, my "underlovlies" literally fell apart at work one day, and I had to run into the only boutique in Annapolis that carries my size and beg for anything that fit.  The sweet sales lady informed me that perhaps I needed to buy a couple of extra items, just in case the rest of my underpinnings looked this bad.  It was totally embarrassing.

Now, once upon a time I was quite the fashionable cutie.  I wore classy, chic clothes and wore makeup.  I had gorgeous, designer shoes that I actually wore on a daily basis.  I even had a "hair style" that went beyond a ponytail to actually using a hair dryer, curling iron, and product.  I worked retail and helped other women choose beautiful clothes.

Now, I can't even dress myself.

Part of the reason is time.  There is just no time anymore to wander around to stores and leisurely try on outfits.  I barely have time to take a shower and make dinner.  I don't have time to wander aimlessly through the mall.

Part of the reason is money.  Once upon a time, MacGyver and I had disposable income.  Then that disappeared when we started to have to buy disposable diapers.  And, with two kiddos that have managed to coordinate their growth spurts so they band together to drain our bank account, there's not much left over to splurge on $19 jeans from Old Navy and $15 t-shirts from the Loft anymore.

The last reason is, well, I have no idea what I look good in anymore.  Clothes for women seem to be either too young or too old for a thirty-something momma with a few extra "post pregnancy" pounds on her.  (Yes, I still thing of them as such--even when my "baby" is in kindergarten...)

So, I have a suggestion for some ambitious entrepreneur out there, just looking for a niche.  Think Birch Box combined with Garanimals for us moms with small children who don't need to wear suits (or, even "nice" clothes) on a regular basis.

I joined Birch Box a few months ago, and for a few bucks a month they send me a box of make-up and beauty product samples to try out.  If I like anything, I can go to their website and order the full sizes.  They send me everything from a cute lip glosses to a really scary set of stick-on cat-eye eyeliner.  They take me out of my comfort zone of chapstick and moisturizer, and let me try on different colors and styles.  What I don't like, I throw away or pass on to someone else.

Now, if someone did that with clothing--that would rock!!  Each month I could get a sample pack (say, a top and a bottom) in my size (which we will not discuss here...) that I could try.  They would go together as an outfit, or supplement the other tops and bottoms sent in previous months.  They would differ in styles (to take me out of my very boring t-shirt and jeans rut) and coordinate with everything else.  Kind of like Garaninmals for grown-ups!

Now, isn't that a great idea!!!  I could take out a top with a star on the label, and pair it with a skirt with a star on it, and I'd be all set to go.  No worrying about whether I looked stupid or frumpy, because everything would be current and fashion forward.

So, if anyone out there is looking for the next "great idea", just tell them I sent you.  And, make sure I get my finders fee in the form of precious little boxes of Grown-Up Garanimals each month.

Or, someone could just plant a money tree in my back yard and then take me shopping...